I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
