I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
porn star boner night. come get it.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
