I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
