Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just googled if crying burns calories
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
