you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
