I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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