He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Randomize
