I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
