Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
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I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
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I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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