I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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