sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
