I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
