I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
