Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
