I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
