I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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