you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
