drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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