My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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