you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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