Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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