Hey man sorry I got all grabby
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
