Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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