he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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