all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
