Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
being pregnant is like rehab
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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