Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
