alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize