We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
