I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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