Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
