i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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