I think scott just propositioned me for sex
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
