So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
