Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
