OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
God, I missed his penis.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
