I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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