paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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