it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
