I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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