just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
