I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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