hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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