Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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