A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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