i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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