remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
