I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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