dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
