Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
