I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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