He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
