I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
