I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
