Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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