so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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