So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
